Decaf Dan. Office culture’s worst employee of the month… every month.
👋 Meet Decaf Dan
Once a bright-eyed intern with dreams of making a difference, Dan is now the soul-sucked symbol of corporate survival. He’s sarcastic, overqualified, and dangerously caffeinated (well, decaffeinated, but it’s the principle that counts).
🧠 Skills
- Passive-Aggressive Emailing
- Master of Eye-Rolling
- Zoom-While-Asleep
- Excel Panic Clicking
💼 Experience
- 3,491 hours in useless meetings
- 7+ years of avoiding networking
- Inventor of the “Fake Busy Walk”
- Emotionally retired since 2018
🎯 Goals
- Burn down hustle culture
- Collect ironic merch royalties
- One day be Employee of the Month… ironically
- Get un-clipped from the logo
Updated weekly, or whenever HR makes him.
💼 Dan’s Daily Pain
Officialogy proudly offers a full suite of soul-crushing services — as interpreted by our head of bitterness, Decaf Dan.
🗣️ Manager Translation
We turn vague corporate speak into slightly less vague human language. “Let’s circle back” = “I have no idea.”
🙄 Passive-Aggression Coaching
Master the art of Slack sarcasm, Outlook delays, and weaponized emojis. All under Dan’s bitter mentorship.
📈 Fake Productivity Reports
Need to look busy? We’ll generate charts, jargon, and heat maps that impress your boss without doing anything useful.
👥 Networking Dodging Toolkit
Scripts, excuses, and digital smoke bombs to escape “quick coffee chats” and “just hopping on a call.”
😮💨 Strategic Eye-Rolling
Why respond to idiocy when you can express everything with a well-timed sigh and sideways glance? Ask Dan.
📂 Meme Dump
Welcome to Dan’s hard drive of despair: a collection of corporate cringe, workplace truth bombs, and caffeine-fueled sarcasm. Feel free to steal — Dan would.
“Let’s touch base” — the corporate version of ghosting.
Dan at 9:00 AM: 😐 | Dan at 9:01 AM meeting: 😩
“Networking opportunity” = unpaid therapy with coffee.
Dan’s official title: Chief Executive of Low Expectations.
More memes coming soon. Dan’s working on them… very reluctantly.
📣 Yell at HR
Got complaints, compliments, or creative workplace trauma to share? Dan will *pretend* to forward them to HR. Spoiler: he won’t.
Dan says: “Thanks for yelling. I’ll be sure to not read this.”